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Ashley

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Here comes the scary part.. [25 May 2005|07:03pm]
I want to open up to him.. To be honest.. This whole situation is scarier than I thought it would be. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I want to open up to him and tell him everything that I've been feeling but I'm just so scared..I cry myself to sleep at night still.. Everyday I hope and pray that this will be the day that he'll want me back.. The only problem is that I'm scared to trust him again.. As stupid as it may sound.. he said that he'd always be there for me.. and he wasn't.. I trusted him.. and I honestly believed that he'd always be there for me.. and he wasn't.. I was all alone.. and I fell apart... I think thats why I've gotten worse this year.. I never needed anti-depressants before...yet this year I'm on it..

Its amazing to see how much I've grown this year.. How much I've changed.. Looking back on freshman year.. I was this naive little girl that wanted to be perfect.. I went to school everyday.. I got good grades..I tried to look my best...and I was madly in love with a boy.. and then second semester he moved.. and he never told me... I didnt' even get to say good-bye.. I'll never forget the last time I saw him.. I was at Lunch..Listening to Erika ramble on about how she's so hungry and how she refuses to eat.. and I was sitting there wearing that hideious Orange Mudd T-shirt and Khakis and my hair poofy-straight..and I was eating my chips.. and I was looking at him..Looking at me.. I'll never forget the way he looked at me.. like he could see right through me... I could tell that he had something to say.. but he couldn't say it.. He half-smiled at me.. and I did the same.. then everything I wanted was gone.. I found out a week later that he moved.. I never got to say good-bye.. Its funny, all this time and I still think about "What If?".. I think thats when I started to change.. very little change had occured..but it was like the changing colors of the leaves getting ready for the coldness that lies ahead.

I saw him recently... In Woodstock, where he moved too.. I was coming out of the Horizons Behavioral Health Center.. and there he was.. with his friends.. he was talking... He was in his car.. but I could feel that he was looking at me.. i don't know.. but just seeing him was a good-bye for me...

I then went on to meet Matt.. My love.. He means the world to me.. We had a good run... We had it all.. but we lost it.. I'd be lying if I didn't that we'd get back together.. because as much as I try not to think about it... I'd do anything for him to call his j-gurl again.. He told me that the only reason why I can't get over him was because he was my first love.. and first everything else as well.. but thats not true.. I love him more than words can express.. I want to spend the rest of my life with him.. I honestly cannot see myself with anyone but him.. But alas.. I'm scared.. I don't want things to end up the way they did.. So I push him away.. thinking that maybe it will help rather than harm us.. but I can see that its going both ways.. I never meant to hurt him.. I honestly didn't.. I guess we got in over our heads and got lost.. Breaking up with him was the hardest I've ever had to face.. It hurt a lot. I cried every night.. and every day.. It killed me when I saw him.. And when he'd ignore me.. It'd hurt even more..Yet.. I'm still not over him.. I mean its been 8 months since we broke up.. and yet I still come crawling back to him like some sick freak...

Its frustrating.. Theres so many things that I want to tell him.. but I feel that I can't trust him.. I want to trust him.. but I feel like he's going to leave me all alone again once I do.. and I don't think I can handle that...It would kill me... But I think the only way I can start to feel safe around him again is if I open up and let myself get vulernable and hope that he doesn't hurt me.. Yea sure I'm risking getting hurt by him once again.. but I'll bounce back.. I have before..

Its funny how whenever I look into the mirror.. I expect to see something.. but I don't.. I don't see anything.. I want to see everything.. but all I see is this scared little girl, who tells me that I can't see the world through a mirror..and that I'll have to be brave and let myself get hurt.. because I'm always stronger in the end.
4 Lit The Flame|Burn Me

[09 Aug 2004|09:21am]
The Forgotten


11 Lit The Flame|Burn Me

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